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Couch Potato: SEC football serves up best TV weekend yet, if not ever

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Johnny Manziel runs off and leaves flailing Sam Houston State defenders in last week's game. (Source: Texas A&M Athletics) Johnny Manziel runs off and leaves flailing Sam Houston State defenders in last week's game. (Source: Texas A&M Athletics)
Christion Jones runs off and leaves Virginia Tech defenders. (Source: University of Alabama Athletics) Christion Jones runs off and leaves Virginia Tech defenders. (Source: University of Alabama Athletics)
Auburn quarterback Nick Marshall fires a pass in the general direction of an eligible receiver against Washington State. (Source: Todd Van Emst, Auburn Athletics) Auburn quarterback Nick Marshall fires a pass in the general direction of an eligible receiver against Washington State. (Source: Todd Van Emst, Auburn Athletics)
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(RNN) - At last.

Week 3 is ideal for round-the-clock ball watching on the TV; delightful contests abound.

Couch Potato continues the tradition of citing quotes from awesome movies instead of predicting outcomes, because when you predict outcomes, numbskull fans perceiving imagined bias call your cell phone and say ugly things about your mama.

So this week, we'll be quoting the truly excellent No Country For Old Men, in which Javier Bardem won the Oscar for best performance as a psychopath with a funny haircut, and Tommy Lee Jones didn't win the Oscar for best thing anybody ever did, though he should have.

Point bein', even in the contest between man and steer, the issue is not certain.

Games of Sept. 14

Alabama at Texas A&M

3:30 p.m. ET, Saturday, CBS

This game is a Couch Potato fever dream, with storylines to make Marvel Comics jealous:

  • The Amazing Spiderman vs. The Regular Person: Johnny Football, who's a lot like the webbed wonder, challenges AJ Game Manager, who closely resembles Peter Parker.
  • Shattered Heroes: Alabama's Hokie-humbled offensive line seeks redemption, still reeling from the loss of three Incredible Hulks.
  • Avengers in Crimson: The only entity to smite the previous incarnation of the Tidal Doombot stands now in defense of its sacred lair against the re-born invaders.
  • The Dark Lord's Fury: Nick Saban unleashes his terrible wrath upon media demons who dare to ask questions not answerable by the phrase "It is what it is."
  • Secrets and Lies: Will Johnny Manziel's autograph scandal and the agent-money reports surrounding former Alabama players D.J. Fluker and Luther Davis be mentioned fewer than 100 times by Gary Danielson and will good ol' Verne Lundquist get the names right?

Texas A&M scored 107 points and rang up 1,200 yards in two games against Rice and Sam Houston – which are small colleges, not a side dish and a dead Texas governor. Alabama gained an anemic 200 yards and still beat Virginia Tech 35-10, proving that the best defense is a good defense.

Gratuitous quote from the great film No Country for Old Men: Whatcha' got ain't nothin' new. This country's hard on people, you can't stop what's coming, it ain't all waiting on you. That's vanity.

Tennessee at Oregon

4:30 p.m. ET, Saturday, ABC

Yikes. Unless Oregon commits five turnovers over a period of six successive snaps, this doesn't afford a hopeful opportunity for the rebuilding Volunteers. Worth watching if you enjoy those Discovery Channel documentaries about volcanoes obliterating ancient villages.

Gratuitous quote from the great film No Country for Old Men: Aw, hells bells. They even shot the dog.

Mississippi State at Auburn

7 p.m. ET, Saturday, ESPN 2

Spread offenses and land-grant institutions collide, and these two teams don't like each other, Bob.

Dan Mullen wanted Cam Newton and didn't get him; Gus Malzahn did and now Auburn has a crystal football and Malzahn has a "Head Coach" sign on his office door.

Auburn quarterback Nick Marshall can throw it over yonder mountain, but there's no telling where it might land. Tre Mason is a cool, little running back and the Tigers are already two-thirds of the way to equaling last year's win total.

In the season opener, Mississippi State's offense managed a field goal and Bulldog defenders spent a long afternoon forlornly following Oklahoma State skill players downfield. The next week, the Bulldogs scored infinity points against the egregious Alcorn State.

It's hard to tell exactly how good either of these teams is up to now, so I guess we'll at least find out which one is better Saturday night.

Gratuitous quote from the great film No Country for Old Men: Call it, Friendo

Vanderbilt at South Carolina

7 p.m. ET, Saturday, ESPN

Steve Spurrier himself said South Carolina needs to get down to business and beat these guys or it's not going to be any fun around Columbia. South Carolina is struggling for meaning in an uncertain world after an up-and-down start to the season. The Gamecocks slogged to a win over North Carolina then got a little bit hammered by Georgia.

The Georgia game was really fun until the Gamecocks got goal-line-stood in the fourth period when they went for it on fourth-and-inches out of the shotgun. It gives one pause, mother of mercy, if Georgia learns how to play defense, who shall dare to stand against them? On the other hand, it looked like the USC tackle tripped and fell down.

Vanderbilt and Ole Miss played one of the funnest games you'd ever want to watch to open the season, as Vandy blew leads large and small and wide receivers from both squads ran up and down the field with defenders in futile pursuit. Last week, the Commodores ravaged nearby Austin Peay and it was terrible to behold.

Gratuitous quote from the great film No Country for Old Men:

Nervous Accountant: Are you going to shoot me?

Anton Chigurh: That depends. Do you see me?

The other ones: Louisville continues to make its case as a BCS contender by playing SEC power Kentucky; Southern Miss heads to Arkansas, which has yet to play anybody; LSU may cover the 37 points against Kent State if somebody tells them this is Nick Saban's alma mater; Ole Miss sees if it can turn the dial on Mack Brown's seat up to "incinerate."

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